The Great Canon of Míog

Preface

Position 0 of the Great Canon of Míog: "Cat in a Hat." The grand chapeau lacks a brim, yet don it, and the feline gaze reciprocates with benevolent mischief!

T

he Great Canon of Míog—known variously as The Catterland Codex, The Míog Scratchings, The Book of Whiskers and Cream, The Ten Commencements of the Velvet Curtain, or The Sacred Path of Nine Lives—emerges from decades of scholarly endeavour to reconstitute a fragment of an ancient oracular system, believed to underpin both Celtic ogham inscriptions and I-Ching as well as medieval fortune-telling verses. This primordial, feline-centred tradition traces its origins to the lost realm of Catterland, a lesser-known region of the great landbridge that once connected Britain to the continent. While scholars are familiar with Doggerland—that vast plain now beneath the North Sea—few realise that its southernmost reaches harboured the mysterious territory known to ancient peoples as Catterland, the Land of Whiskers. This realm, distinguished by its rolling Cream Marches and the sacred Whisker Woods, was submerged some 8,000 years past, manifesting today as a delightfully layered "scribble-scrabble" palimpsest with aillurostrophic tendencies.

Like ogham stones, most symbols in this system carry at least two meanings. The exception is the primal glyph MÍOG, which encompasses ten distinct orientations: eight "spinning stances" plus two called "perched predicaments." These configurations form the so-called "visible" canon of the Way of the Whisker. Beyond these lie elusive "shadow positions" that flicker in and out of existence, keeping the system as lively as a cat with morning zoomies. These phantom orientations remain largely undeciphered, awaiting future scholars bold enough to venture into their mysteries.

On the Methods of Reconstructing the System

The reconstruction of the Great Canon of Míog was made possible by a remarkable discovery in 1989, during excavations in the Cheddar Gorge caves, led by the late Professor Reginald Gatovsky. Among the artifacts was a slate tablet, roughly 45 by 30 centimeters, etched with curious scratches dubbed "Marks of Míog" by local villagers—attributed to the ancient feline spirit Míog, the Great Purring One, who was said to prowl the limestone caves of what was once the Cream Marches of sunken Catterland, dispensing wisdom to those who understood the old ways of cream and contemplation. Initial attempts at deciphering these marks proved as challenging as teaching a cat to fetch. The scratches appeared random, defying conventional analysis. The breakthrough came in 2007, when researchers applied advanced laser scanning combined with what they diplomatically termed "intuitive methodologies" (involving considerable tea consumption and extensive cats' psychoanalysis sessions). The markings were revealed to be projections of multi-dimensional symbols, readable only under specific lighting conditions and states of feline-influenced contemplation. Further discoveries in the same cave—bone fragments bearing similar markings—suggested a comprehensive system awaiting full elucidation. The reconstruction spanned over two decades, thanks to an international team of folklorists and pattern-recognition specialists. Special gratitude is owed to the Society for Whimsical British Antiquities for funding, and to the monks of Glastonbury Abbey for providing access to rare manuscripts mentioning the "Path of the Ten Whiskers" and the "Sacred Purring of the Drowned Marches."

The Great Canon of Míog: Core Positions and Sayings

Zero Positions

The two zero positions form the heart of the system, like a cat napping at the centre of a spinning world, around which the "ordinary" positions dance. Think of them as a coin balanced on its edge or a cat suspended mid-leap, defying gravity with characteristic feline aplomb.

Zero Position 0:

Cat in a Hat The ultimate riddle. The grand hat has no brim, the noble boot no sole. Don the hat, and the cat winks back with knowing wisdom! A nod to the Bard brings splendid fortune. Trying to herd cats? That's barking up the wrong tree, dear chap.

Zero Position 00: Cat in Mid-Air

Leaping upward lifts the spirit magnificently. Tumbling downward? Keep your nerve steady! Always land on your feet—nine lives and counting! Nothing to fret about, though a soft cushion below is never amiss.

Main Positions

Position 1: Cat Licking Its Paws

Eternal purrity. Even clean as a whistle, a black cat stays black. Relax! The first wisdom of the feline path: cleanliness of spirit need not change one's essential nature. The black cat achieves perfect purrity not by becoming white, but by embracing its own sleek darkness with thorough attention to detail. Wash your paws, settle your mind, and find peace in being authentically yourself. Sometimes the greatest transformation is simply becoming more thoroughly what you already are.

Position 2: Cat on the Mantelpiece.

Dream in Your Pocket. High perch, wide view. Keep your teacups close and your dreams closer. All's well that starts well! From the heights of the mantelpiece, perspective shifts delightfully. The wise cat surveys its domain with serene confidence, ready to leap down when adventure calls but content to observe when tranquillity reigns. Dreams tucked safely in your pocket remain portable treasures, ready to unfurl when the moment proves propitious. When March winds blow and cats sing their loudest songs, know that spring's sweet return follows close behind.

Position 3: Cat on Your Lap…

Knees Are a Blessing. Settle in, settle down. Never stroke against the grain. Warmth shared is warmth doubled! The sacred art of lap-dwelling: to give comfort whilst receiving it, to purr contentment into being through sheer proximity. The feline philosopher knows that knees make excellent thrones, and gentle hands work better than forceful ones. When the cat arches its back, offer a scratch; when it settles with closed eyes, simply be present. A fireside and woolly blanket create the perfect trinity with a contented tabby.

Position 4: Cat with a Ball of Yarn

Pull the string, watch the magic. Paper rustles, spirits soar. Embrace the glorious mayhem! Here lies the secret of purposeful play: that which appears as chaos to the untrained eye reveals itself as sacred geometry to the feline mind. Oxford scholars may claim valerian root calms—poppycock! It's rather like opening Pandora's box of pure, unfiltered joy. The wise human learns to find delight in the disorder, recognizing that a house filled with yarn-chasing is a house filled with life.

Position 5: Cat Up a Tree

The higher you climb, the grander the view. Every ladder has a purpose. Patience conquers all heights! Elevation brings both perspective and predicament. The wise climber remembers that ascent without descent is mere stubbornness. When the cat explores lofty realms, keep your wits sharp and your tall friends close. Standing beneath construction proves inadvisable, but standing ready with a gentle solution shows wisdom. You cannot leap higher than your own head allows, so let patience work its quiet magic—curiosity may perplex the cat, but satisfaction always sets things right.

Position 6: Cat on the Curtains

Claws to the stars, tail to earth. Soft words work wonders. Grace conquers gravity! The ambitious feline demonstrates that vertical territories await those bold enough to claim them. Yet with great altitude comes great responsibility—to descend with dignity intact. Gentle words prove more effective than loud protests when dealing with curtain-climbing philosophers. The noisy sort risks torn drapery, but those who land on all four paws achieve splendid resolution.

Position 7: Cat Sharpening Claws

Sharpen your skills, hone your spirit. Every surface serves its purpose. Preparation brings confidence! The thoughtful feline understands that maintenance precedes mastery. While mice take note for their own good planning, and furniture's pristine state enjoys temporary tenure, the wise cat knows that keeping one's tools sharp prevents future difficulties. A proper scratching post averts domestic discord and maintains household serenity—for preparedness in small matters creates harmony in great ones.

Position 8: Cat at Pancake Day

Seize the moment, flip with flair. Timing is everything. Sweet success awaits! The ceremonial toss requires both courage and skill—much like life's grander gestures. Whether you choose to indulge or abstain, both paths lead to satisfaction when undertaken with proper theatrical flair. Open the larder, survey your options, then proceed with ceremony. All goes swimmingly when change is embraced as life's natural rhythm. Remember that even the most ambitious pancake eventually finds its proper place—usually buttered, usually appreciated.